Christmas, Christmas Time is Here, Time for Joy and Time for Cheer!

     Christmas was to be at my house this year- I usually go to Molly’s.  And so the story begins….

            On Friday the broiling element in my main oven died. I was distraught because (as those of you who know me are well aware) my idea of cooking is broiling a piece of meat in a foil lined pan, after which the foil is pitched and the pan remains clean. Not much to wash. My cooktop is glass because it is easier to dust.

            Late Friday afternoon Molly sent me a message informing me that her Saturday flight from Tulsa to Chicago had been cancelled. She purchased another ticket for Sunday and also one for Monday just in case. This was the time of the ice and snow storm, if you remember. How nice.

            She did make it Sunday and we were off to a great start. On Monday she ordered a new element for the oven which arrived before Christmas, but we decided not to take any chances so did not attempt to install the new one until after the Big Day.

            Christmas morning began with the usual flurry of activity that occurs in any kitchen where the big Christmas Dinner is being prepared. Serving bowls on the counter, utensils, rolls set out to rise, etc. I got really thirsty so went to the fridge for a Rev 3, my favorite energy drink. Lots of B vitamins. Thirsty, thirsty- and the drawer wouldn’t open. Oh no! What on earth could be wrong? I just couldn’t get that stupid drawer open. I called for assistance and Molly dropped whatever she was doing and came to my immediate aid. She couldn’t open the drawer either. I was promptly chastised for loading the drawer too heavily and causing it to be “stuck full of crap!” My reply was, “at least the fridge is pretty clean- it doesn’t look too bad!” (Every woman knows there is not much that is more embarrassing than a really dirty refrigerator. It was Christmas, after all. I wasn’t going to be found guilty of THAT particular sin.) Unfortunately, I had spoken way too soon. As she began to dismantle the offending drawer and surrounding area, the unthinkable was revealed- under the drawer all manner of “things” had settled in to prosper- iced tea? Meat juice? Who knows what all was under there. It was comprised of many different colors. But the end result was unalterable- I had to clean the fridge.  Christmas morning. No time. Oh no!! Molly was NOT happy. But I DID get my Rev 3! Our plans and progress were now slightly behind schedule, and Molly, being an engineer, was not doing well with this.

            As I finished up brightening the refrigerator, Molly began making iced tea. She asked me if my iced tea jar “worked,” to which I replied, “of course.”

            It wasn’t long before I heard the proverbial “Oh no!” I looked around to see iced tea running all over the counter and down into the utensil drawer. Oh no was right! Molly grabbed a couple of paper towels (like that was going to mop up half a gallon of tea!) while I ran to the laundry room for an old bath towel. She had somehow forgotten to close the spigot. We would have to run the dishwasher as all the silverware we needed for Christmas Dinner was now wet with iced tea. We were falling farther and farther behind. The engineer’s schedule was in more trouble, along with her brain.

             By the time my sister Suzanne arrived with her husband Ken, along with a beautiful tenderloin roast she was cooking  at my house, Molly and I were back on our Christmas Day schedule. (The refrigerator was now spotless along with two cabinet drawers that had been filled with tea). They also brought their pride and joy, a Lhasa dog (one of my favorites, as you all know) who ALWAYS poops in my house within minutes. This embarrasses Suzanne to no end as this is not acceptable behavior. (I know another little Lhasa doggie that used to do the same thing. Alas, she ended up in doggie heaven not long ago.) Anyway, Suzanne brought a doggie diaper this time and had good intentions of saving the day. “Bucky” was not wearing her new attire when she entered my home. “It will be OK,” said a very confident Suzanne. “She went poopie outside as soon as we got out of the car.” She sat on a chair, got out the diaper, and called Bucky over to dress the lovely little doggie in her diaper “just in case.” How nice.

            Five to ten minutes later as I walked past the living room, I noticed a pile of brown pebbles on the carpet. I loudly yelled out something that probably sounded like “aaarrrggghhh!!!!!” and pointed to the nice little present Bucky had left me on the carpet. My dogs ran and hid. Suzanne meekly cleaned up the Bucky Present, and the day continued. That dog can leave presents quicker than any other dog I have ever known. Merry Christmas! Presents!

            I went and lit candles in the centerpiece on the dining room table. Molly complimented me on how nice the table looked. I had noticed when I put the centerpiece out that the candles had burned down to just a few inches over past years use, and was going to put some new ones in, but Molly didn’t like the color choices I had, so I just lit them as they were. Bad plan.

            Soon my brother showed up with my nephew, to bring presents and stay for just a short visit as they were having dinner at his son’s house. They stayed a little longer than they had planned as we were all having a really good time laughing and joking. Pretty soon my niece showed up- I think she wanted to know what was going on since her dad and brother hadn’t come back, and figuring we must be having fun, she wanted in on the action. She proudly removed her jacket and showed off her pretty red “Griswold Christmas Vacation” t-shirt. We all had a good laugh at that.

            We were still laughing when we suddenly heard “Oh! Oh! Oh!”- it was sister Suzanne pointing to the now flaming centerpiece (literally!) Flames were shooting up over a foot in the air as the candles had burned down to nothing and the lovely plastic decoration burst into flames. We looked and were all stunned, as you can imagine. This was a Christmas First, to be sure!

            Suzanne, ever the quick thinker, grabbed a dry dish towel and ran to the flames, where she began frantically fanning them as she attempted to blow out the fire. (I am assuming that was what she meant to do-one can only imagine in a case like this.) Needless to say, with a little faster moving air, the flames shot up higher and we were having a real “event!”

            Reacting calmly, I grabbed a heavy cotton dishrag, dropped it into the bowl of water that had once been ice cubes, and draped it over the now roaring flaming centerpiece. The soaking wet rag hissed and smoked- it was not nearly enough water to put that fire out. In my mind I was planning the next step- retrieving the fire extinguisher from the pantry.  This would for sure put the fire out, but in the process would also extinguish our Christmas Dinner. Just then Molly brought the mixing bowl of water over to the table and I began dousing the fire with my cupped hands full  of water. Lots of smoke, but by golly, the fire was out! I had won! Christmas Dinner was saved with minimal damage.

            Molly took the now black, melted plastic mess out to my screened porch and set it on the table there. The house was full of smoke by now, so I turned on the ceiling fan and we opened three doors along with several windows trying to move the smoke out. The house cooled off quickly-remember it’s December and there’s snow on the ground outside. We were making progress when I heard Molly say “It’s still smoking!”

That’s when it’s final demise was realized when I told her to throw it into a snowbank. And she did. She came back in roaring with laughter.

            Bucky the Wonder Doggie had followed her outside (still wearing her diaper) and had tried to be a “good doggie” (for a change). She filled her diaper. Molly gleefully announced to Bucky’s proud parents that the diaper was filled and dripping with the excess. Good doggie, good doggie. Suzanne removed the soaking wet diaper and it was left outside for the rest of the adventure filled Christmas Day.

            One can only imagine the pandemonium that ensues when a fire breaks out and twelve people are all milling about. Well, actually only eleven.  Ken, who is a little hard of hearing in his old age, missed the whole event, sitting in his chair in the living room. (By the way, the kitchen, living room and dining room are comprised of one large open area.) He did wonder where the smoke was coming from after we all settled down.  Eleven people and three dogs racing around with flames about to envelope the house and our dinner, and he missed the whole thing. Fascinating.

            The aftermath: dinner was a success, sans centerpiece. Suzanne’s tenderloin roast was fabulous. The smoke alarms never went off. (Probably because I had them sort of hidden in my bedroom and downstairs, instead of where I figured I would NEVER need them!) A good time was had by all and the food was excellent.

            I am not real sure what my non-family guest really thought about all of this. Leta was probably wondering why she agreed to come. This was pure insanity all around, to be sure.

            As sort of an epilog, Molly was installing the new broiling element the next day. I was on my bed resting, as my back had been bad for over two weeks and I really needed to just lay down. Soon I heard from the kitchen, “Oh no!”

            “What’s wrong?” said I from my sickbed.

            “I might have just fried your oven control panel!” came the sad reply from the kitchen.

            “How do you know?” I queried (not too happily since it had just been replaced about a year ago.)

            “Because there’s smoke coming out of it!”  she yelled back.

            The spirit of the Griswold family lives at my house!

            I plan to have the annual Christmas Fire at someone else’s house next year.  Maybe Suzanne’s.

            And how was your Christmas??